I should be walking through the doors of work today, my first day back from maternity leave. I should be taking care of “my” immunocompromised patients but instead, I am now the immunocompromised patient. I thought my only worries during maternity leave would be surviving the newborn phase not just surviving. There are days of Kanan’s early life, more than I care to admit, that Terry and I feel we are missing out on. We have spent numerous hours at doctor appointments, clinics, and infusion suites spending time that we will never be able to get back. And I think what hurts the deepest, is that this most likely will be our last newborn phase. Our last time we worry about how many wet diapers in 24 hours, how many ounces the child has eaten, and jumping out of bed at the sound of soft whimper– and it was a decision that cancer decided for us.

Shortly after I had given birth, we had strangers ask us both if we were now “done” having kids after learning he is our third. It’s like when you hit number three you would be considered crazy to have another. In my experience when a couple first gets married, everyone is overjoyed and is eager to know when there is going to be a baby in the picture. If you are lucky enough to get pregnant and have a child; the question, then becomes when are you going to have another and don’t you want them close in age? Once you have three children, the excitement fades and there becomes speculation that the family must be complete. 

To be honest, when I was asked the question I couldn’t give a definite answer. I had a rough pregnancy, full of highs and lows, and didn’t know if we could go through the mental strain again. Although asking a Mom who had just given birth, whether or not her family is complete can result in some crazy emotions. It was a question that I couldn’t answer and didn’t want to answer, especially to a stranger. 

What that stranger didn’t know is the internal struggle that Terry and I were dealing with and to be honest, still are. If we did indeed want another child to complete our family, it would no longer be our decision. They didn’t know that hours before we had met with a fertility specialist to discuss our options before beginning chemotherapy to prepare for a bone marrow transplant. They didn’t know we had decided not to proceed with harvesting my eggs due to the cost and finding the money in the short time frame. They didn’t know that I was dealing with an internal struggle. Feeling that I would be considered ungrateful for my amazing, wonderful children because I longed for the ability to have one more, especially when some women are unable to conceive. 

To sit in the fertility clinic again, seven years later, was emotional. I felt that my body failed me, again. I love my children, all three especially the crazy one (the crazy one changes from day to day), but I wasn’t ready to make a definite decision on whether our family was complete. 

But six weeks ago, the decision was made for us. In an attempt to find peace with this decision, I have been focusing on how grateful and blessed I am to be able to have children. Seven years ago, a frightened engaged couple trusted that what would come of their journey would be the road they were meant to take. They trusted in things they weren’t able to control and found peace with their decision. Below is an excerpt from my blog post written in August 2016 (yes, it still does exist and is a good reminder of how much we endured and achieved). As relevant as it was seven years ago, the words hold true today:

“So, today we decided not to go forward with fertility treatments. We are both ok with letting God take control going forward. We know there is a chance that we may not be able to have biological children and we may have to adopt, but we are ok with that. We will continue to pray that one day we will be able to provide a loving home for our four children, whether they be biological or not. “

We aren’t sure we will have that fourth child and that’s okay. Plans change, and people change. One thing that hasn’t changed is that we will provide a loving home for our children, whether they be biological or not.