The past week has been extremely difficult week mentally. We met with the Bone Marrow Team on Thursday to discuss our treatment plan. I am not sure what I expected during the visit but I feel like it was 100 times worse. Admittedly, I did not research (or google- thank goodness for that thing) Bone Marrow Transplant prior to the appointment so I had no prior knowledge.

During our appointment we discussed the two types of transplants, autologous and allogeneic. An autologous bone marrow transplant uses your own stem cells whereas an allogeneic must have donor stem cells.  Our goal is to be able to complete an autologous transplant as there is less chance your body rejects the transplant but this relies on a few things to line up. First, my body has to respond to chemotherapy, if it does not respond then the likelihood of using my own stem cells drastically decreases. Next, we must be able to get enough stem cells to harvest during the retrieval process. Usually this is not a major issue but due to my previous radiation to the pelvic region, the team is slightly concerned. Due to this, they believe they the amount of days it takes to retrieve enough stem cells may be more than normal which means more discomfort and pain.

To be honest the most difficult thing to hear at the appointment wasn’t about the process or prognosis, but instead about what would be required during the transplant. We assumed that I would be in the hospital, but there is better survival rates if completed outpatient with daily appointments (some 4-6 hours). I must  have a full time caregiver 24/7 who has no other responsibilities and very little contact with others thus requiring unpaid leave from work to be taken. Unfortunately the only person who is able to take FMLA is Terry  (plus, I don’t think he would let anyone else do it, he has a trust issue with my life lol ). But if Terry has to take care of me without contact who will take care of our babies?

This leaves us with a huge issue as we have 3 young children including a newborn who requires care. Terry asked the oncologist 3 times it an outpatient was best and each time the answer was the same, “Yes”. So now we face another difficult thing in front of us, we have to leave our kids in care of others. So for 37 days + (depending on how I respond)  WE will not be able to see our children.  We will not be able to hold them, give them a kiss when they fall down or check on them throughout the night per their personal requests. They will not be able to cuddle with Daddy and Mommy if they have a night terrors or tell us about their day at school. We will most likely miss a holiday or two, and the first holidays for Kanan. To be honest, we will miss 1/4 of his life up to this time period. That is a hard pill to shallow and to be honest, I still haven’t.

As hard as this is, and as we still figure out plans, we have to somewhat put this aside. I cannot go into chemo with this heaviness. Chemotherapy is half physical and half mental. Your body will begin to shut down if you are not in the right mindset. So starting today, Terry and I are going to be positive, maybe overly positive. It doesn’t mean I won’t cry, I mean I’m only 8 weeks postpartum but we are going to do our best at making the best of this whole situation.

We continue to ask for prayers and good vibes as we lean on others during this time. Our pride may be a little damaged, but we have come to the conclusion that we need others more than ever before.

To end on a POSITIVE note, when discussing the side effects of chemo with the NP today, alopecia was brought up. I told her luckily, I just cut off 7 inches to beat it to the punch this time. We ARE ready for this, at least my hair is. 🙂

#BattleForBecca #OneDayAtATime